*blinks*
Only touched in brief so far on how much it's beginning to feel like things are going well recently, like waking up or the sun rising, discovering who I am again. Even begun to wonder given my behaviours and moods over the last two years whether there wasn't some form of depression at work.
Throughout the period GPs and psychologists have said no, and box-checking questionnaires have agreed. If asperger syndrome or some form of high functioning autism is present then that can skew the results. But given that I'm happier more relaxed and thinking in less confined ways I'm clearly not "depressed" any more if I ever was. So no one will ever know.
There is of course still a lot wrong, still a long way to go, and there will be setbacks. There is still a distinct emotional vulnerability and regular bouts of crying. There is still a tendency to paralysis especially when choices are involved or when a task looks overwhelming or requires organisation. There is still primarily the huge lack of confidence when it comes to normal social contact, to getting out and meeting people, to using the phone when it's not work-related. In fact a fear of talking to people face to face or on the phone when I don't really know them and have to instigate the conversation. All of these continue to be problems and make simple jobs, for instance phoning people in my current flat-hunt, painfully challenging. As for getting out to open-mic events and booking a slot - forget about it.
The difference now from even two months ago is a greater determination, greater willingness to ask friends for help, and an outlook that doesn't concentrate on what's gone wrong to quite the same extent. My writing, photography and other creative endeavours are becoming more outward looking and focussing less on purely personal concerns.
There seem to have been a number of factors at work. Counselling has enabled clearer and less destructive thoughts. It's been a long time since I got ill and something had to change. I've started to take longer, more regular breaks from work. At a less conscious level the weather is lighter and warmer, which always has a positive effect. Some poems have been accepted, and there's been more of an effort to get out and get things done, whether it be voluntary work, chasing a psychologist's appointment, attempting to get on an MA, or expand my creative vocabulary. The change has also been incremental, hence the sensation of dawning.
The intention is now to try and avoid these journal/personal type entries for a while until the clinical psychologist's appointment happens. And you would hope that future short stories, poems, and other work posted here will be less self-obssessed.
Throughout the period GPs and psychologists have said no, and box-checking questionnaires have agreed. If asperger syndrome or some form of high functioning autism is present then that can skew the results. But given that I'm happier more relaxed and thinking in less confined ways I'm clearly not "depressed" any more if I ever was. So no one will ever know.
There is of course still a lot wrong, still a long way to go, and there will be setbacks. There is still a distinct emotional vulnerability and regular bouts of crying. There is still a tendency to paralysis especially when choices are involved or when a task looks overwhelming or requires organisation. There is still primarily the huge lack of confidence when it comes to normal social contact, to getting out and meeting people, to using the phone when it's not work-related. In fact a fear of talking to people face to face or on the phone when I don't really know them and have to instigate the conversation. All of these continue to be problems and make simple jobs, for instance phoning people in my current flat-hunt, painfully challenging. As for getting out to open-mic events and booking a slot - forget about it.
The difference now from even two months ago is a greater determination, greater willingness to ask friends for help, and an outlook that doesn't concentrate on what's gone wrong to quite the same extent. My writing, photography and other creative endeavours are becoming more outward looking and focussing less on purely personal concerns.
There seem to have been a number of factors at work. Counselling has enabled clearer and less destructive thoughts. It's been a long time since I got ill and something had to change. I've started to take longer, more regular breaks from work. At a less conscious level the weather is lighter and warmer, which always has a positive effect. Some poems have been accepted, and there's been more of an effort to get out and get things done, whether it be voluntary work, chasing a psychologist's appointment, attempting to get on an MA, or expand my creative vocabulary. The change has also been incremental, hence the sensation of dawning.
The intention is now to try and avoid these journal/personal type entries for a while until the clinical psychologist's appointment happens. And you would hope that future short stories, poems, and other work posted here will be less self-obssessed.
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