follow-up to in love with living
My recent post in love with living talked about how I have a positive outlook on life these days. What didn't occur to me at the time was that it might seem I had no regard for people who feel less positive. Or that it might seem that I had no real understanding of emotional difficulties.
The second objection's easier to deal with. For most of my twenties and thirties I was extremely unhappy and often isolated. I self-harmed, had borderline eating disorders, and for brief periods had persistant suicidal thoughts. Some of this can be detected in blog entries up to around 2006/7.
And it has taken that long - from 2007 until the middle of last year to reach the kind of positive outlook I have now. A lot of factors fed into that change:
I was insistent I get help from mental health services both through the NHS and my work, and undertook CBT and talking therapy. I took an MA in creative writing. I gradually learned to relax and get less uptight about things - slowly picking up new friends on the way. My writing moved away from personal excoriation to more playful and experimental modes - and then I moved away from writing almost completely.
Alongside this there were efforts to get out to more events and exhibitions - and to engage with them through reviews on the blog. And I made greater attempts to understand art I found challenging, and to try and familiarise myself with contemporary practices.
More recently I've learned to be accepting of my emotions - even those that seem negative. Accepting that I will feel shit sometimes, and accepting that it's okay to express that. Having that wider circle of friends, a much broader art practice, and a far greater level of success with my work than previously has helped. So too has meditation.
It's for these reasons that I'm so eager to share the way I feel now. It demonstrates that it's possible to get to a place of happiness and stability from quite difficult circumstances.
The first objection, that I might appear to have no regard for people who feel less positive than I do, is more challenging to address.
For a start I can't deny that it is difficult to remember exactly how hopeless, how in pain I felt a lot of the time. And I appreciate that merely being happy and upbeat isn't much help to anyone.
But as I say four paragraphs above, '[m]ore recently I've learned to be accepting of my emotions - even those that seem negative. Accepting that I will feel shit sometimes, and accepting that it's okay to express that.'
So for instance on the opening day of the Text Festival a comedown, a lack of sleep, poor diet across the previous week, and some emotional upset caused me to sit down in the middle of Bury's shopping mall crying. And crying with a real emotional and physical intensity.
The difference now is that I'm not afraid of these emotions. I know that if I accept and express them they won't harm me. But I also recognize that doing this is different from, and much harder than talking about it. Esepcially for those experiencing mental health issues, whether stress and anxiety, depression, or other difficulties.
The question then is whether I should continue to periodically write about how much I enjoy life. The answer to that is that I'll continue to do so. I'll also write about those times when I feel hurt, or vertiginously confused, or whatever the emotion happens to be.
I can't say whether that openness will be any help to anyone - probably it won't be. But on the other hand I don't believe it's likely to harm anyone.
The second objection's easier to deal with. For most of my twenties and thirties I was extremely unhappy and often isolated. I self-harmed, had borderline eating disorders, and for brief periods had persistant suicidal thoughts. Some of this can be detected in blog entries up to around 2006/7.
And it has taken that long - from 2007 until the middle of last year to reach the kind of positive outlook I have now. A lot of factors fed into that change:
I was insistent I get help from mental health services both through the NHS and my work, and undertook CBT and talking therapy. I took an MA in creative writing. I gradually learned to relax and get less uptight about things - slowly picking up new friends on the way. My writing moved away from personal excoriation to more playful and experimental modes - and then I moved away from writing almost completely.
Alongside this there were efforts to get out to more events and exhibitions - and to engage with them through reviews on the blog. And I made greater attempts to understand art I found challenging, and to try and familiarise myself with contemporary practices.
More recently I've learned to be accepting of my emotions - even those that seem negative. Accepting that I will feel shit sometimes, and accepting that it's okay to express that. Having that wider circle of friends, a much broader art practice, and a far greater level of success with my work than previously has helped. So too has meditation.
It's for these reasons that I'm so eager to share the way I feel now. It demonstrates that it's possible to get to a place of happiness and stability from quite difficult circumstances.
The first objection, that I might appear to have no regard for people who feel less positive than I do, is more challenging to address.
For a start I can't deny that it is difficult to remember exactly how hopeless, how in pain I felt a lot of the time. And I appreciate that merely being happy and upbeat isn't much help to anyone.
But as I say four paragraphs above, '[m]ore recently I've learned to be accepting of my emotions - even those that seem negative. Accepting that I will feel shit sometimes, and accepting that it's okay to express that.'
So for instance on the opening day of the Text Festival a comedown, a lack of sleep, poor diet across the previous week, and some emotional upset caused me to sit down in the middle of Bury's shopping mall crying. And crying with a real emotional and physical intensity.
The difference now is that I'm not afraid of these emotions. I know that if I accept and express them they won't harm me. But I also recognize that doing this is different from, and much harder than talking about it. Esepcially for those experiencing mental health issues, whether stress and anxiety, depression, or other difficulties.
The question then is whether I should continue to periodically write about how much I enjoy life. The answer to that is that I'll continue to do so. I'll also write about those times when I feel hurt, or vertiginously confused, or whatever the emotion happens to be.
I can't say whether that openness will be any help to anyone - probably it won't be. But on the other hand I don't believe it's likely to harm anyone.
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