asperger syndrome or lonely and shy
Something that's been on my mind for a while got firmed-up a little this week. It's the suggestion that when I finally see the clinical psychologist later in the year I should ask them to look into whether I have Asperger Syndrome. Friends and some others have mentioned this as a possibility on previous occasions, and it might help explain elements of my anxiety and my poor performance in social situations. But of course at present it remains uncertain whether this is the case. Either way I'll keep you informed when there are meaningful developments, and along with the Tiananmen stuff I'll post some links to Asperger and Autism resources.
I'm not really sure how I'll react either way - whether I get a diagnosis or not. Like I said above, a diagnosis might provide some clarity, and would probably in a sense give me permission to accept aspects of myself. While a positive statement that I didn't have AS, in the absence of any other diagosis, might leave me exactly where I am at present. In a way it's really too soon to start posting all this speculation, but it's such a dominant part of my thinking at present that it's best to set it down.
Anyway, going back to what I was saying about not getting a diagnosis, some good might still come of it. Already I've started to think about 'taking ownership' of my anxiety and social problems. By which I mean accepting that my performance is always going to lag far behind my expectations, accepting my fears and spending less energy on worrying about them, and not beating myself up over perceived failures. It's not easy, though some things provide respite from worry: certain fabric textures are very calming, though you can't really go round playing with bits of cloth outside the home; more practically I find a lot of music shuts up the noise in my head effectively. Sonic Youth, Mogwai, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Tortoise, The Fall, and various classic blues artists amongst others are all great for this.
So, a later addition, here are a couple of links to get you going. First a link to the UK National Autistic Society. The link will actually take you straight to a leaflet on Asperger Syndrome. The second link is to information on AS at PsychNet-UK. They're an online Mental Health and Psychology information resource, and the tone is a bit more medical and less welcoming.
I'm not really sure how I'll react either way - whether I get a diagnosis or not. Like I said above, a diagnosis might provide some clarity, and would probably in a sense give me permission to accept aspects of myself. While a positive statement that I didn't have AS, in the absence of any other diagosis, might leave me exactly where I am at present. In a way it's really too soon to start posting all this speculation, but it's such a dominant part of my thinking at present that it's best to set it down.
Anyway, going back to what I was saying about not getting a diagnosis, some good might still come of it. Already I've started to think about 'taking ownership' of my anxiety and social problems. By which I mean accepting that my performance is always going to lag far behind my expectations, accepting my fears and spending less energy on worrying about them, and not beating myself up over perceived failures. It's not easy, though some things provide respite from worry: certain fabric textures are very calming, though you can't really go round playing with bits of cloth outside the home; more practically I find a lot of music shuts up the noise in my head effectively. Sonic Youth, Mogwai, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Tortoise, The Fall, and various classic blues artists amongst others are all great for this.
So, a later addition, here are a couple of links to get you going. First a link to the UK National Autistic Society. The link will actually take you straight to a leaflet on Asperger Syndrome. The second link is to information on AS at PsychNet-UK. They're an online Mental Health and Psychology information resource, and the tone is a bit more medical and less welcoming.
Comments
You have to realise it's taken years to get to the stage in my contacts with mental health services where they've even begun to listen, and to understand that my primary concerns are my difficulties with socialisation. Previously they've simply said 'stress and anxiety', or 'adjustment disorder' and offered cognitive behavioural therapy as the only possible option.
Anyway, thanks for your comments, I'll try and write something about Social Anxiety. I'll also write some more about my behaviours, and the coping strategies I've developed over the years.