partial withdrawal from facebook

I'm always wary of speaking too soon, but there's a chance I may start posting here more frequently. In recent years my energies got a little diverted by both fighting depression, and using Facebook as a combined notepad/diary/forum for staying in touch with friends. However, that's started to change.

I recently uninstalled Facebook and Facebook Messenger from my phone. This had the immediate benefit of massively extending my phone’s battery life, but that wasn’t the reason for uninstalling. The reason I ditched the apps was that I’m reducing the amount of time I spend checking Facebook.

The reason for this isn’t that I have a great moral objection to Facebook, or even that I find it much of a time-sink – recently I’ve only been checking when there’s some notification. The reason for reducing my time on Facebook is that it has come to feel detrimental to my mental health.

There are a few aspects to this, some of which may seem a little vague. The immediate issues that made me consider it were: an anxiety around simply looking at the site, as well as actual interactions there; a growing sense of social isolation particularly while using Facebook; and an increasing irritation with the way some friends sometimes post there.

I’ll break each of those down a little more. First, that anxiety was reminiscent of two experiences in particular. It reminded me of how I felt when I was bullied at school between the ages of 9 and 16, and it reminds me of the chill I felt in China when it became obvious that my internet usage was being policed. I should emphasise, however, that these prior experiences are extreme examples, and I have never felt as insecure, or at as much risk of actual harm while using Facebook as in either situation. I’ll explain the parallels shortly.

Second, my growing sense of social isolation. This is more subtle and may be as much about my perception and state of mind as about any external actions. Primarily, in tandem with what happened in the real world during my 18 months or so of depression and anxiety from mid-2012 to late 2013, I’ve seen the number of interactions with friends decline. There has also been a less tangible sense of exclusion: from conversations and events especially. I won’t go any further into this here.

Thirdly, my irritation at the way some friends sometimes post is the most concrete issue. It was also a significant factor in beginning to withdraw from Facebook, a process which has been imminent for a couple of years even before things came to a head recently. Again this is something I will examine in more detail later.

But I’ll return first to the parallels of being bullied in school, and that sense of being policed online while in China. The most identifiable manifestation of this has been self-censorship. This also ties into my irritation at some postings, so I’ll revisit it with a slightly different emphasis when I come to look at that. But in all cases it’s been insidious and unwelcome. My self-censorship on Facebook has mostly taken the form of not commenting on posts, even where I have a keen interest, if what I have to say can be construed as critical. It is this that I’ll expand on when I tackle the way some friends sometimes post.

My self-censorship at school was substantially more damaging, and largely consisted of near-total withdrawal, never venturing an opinion, and on a handful of occasions I’m ashamed of, participating in verbally bullying others as a way of deflecting attention from me. It also meant not admitting I had a problem, except for two or three instances when I tried to directly address teachers through creative written projects, only to be ignored.

In China my self-censorship was more easily overcome since I was only there for a limited time. What precipitated it was that I made a post critical of the Chinese government, and within 10 minutes a whole swathe of sites were unavailable, any mention of me or my blogs vanished from search results, and I was unable to open emails. I was eventually able to get round this using a VPN. Clearly this blocking was due to unmanned processes, and not by an actual person reading my blog.

For a short while I found I was self-censoring. Not so much out of fear for myself in this case, but because I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble. One of the things that persuaded me to stop self-censoring was a growing awareness that everyone used VPNs, and was quite open about it.

Now I come to that irritation at how some friends sometimes post. Please note this is not about you. I am not discussing any particular instances. Rather, I’m making an aggregate of several instances across a few years involving a number of different people. I also incorporate observations derived from similar problems encountered on various forums. Furthermore I’m not saying anyone is to blame, miscommunications happen, we’re all human. I think there are also peculiarities about Facebook and the internet that encourage these miscommunications.

By far the most common reason for not responding in writing to posts on Facebook is the certain knowledge from experience that critical comments are almost invariably read as an attack on the original poster and their worldview, rather than an attempt to engage in conversation or debate. This is not exclusive to Facebook by any means. I see it on forums, on newspaper and YouTube comment threads, and elsewhere online.

But to return specifically to my experience of deciding not to respond on Facebook: often this is because posts that I want to respond to are problematically phrased, or because I know how the author will react, and in both cases there is no way to raise even a mild objection to a specific point without being cast as an enemy, an oppressor, close-minded or similar. I’ve let a lot of frankly idiotic, inane, offensive, and plain wrong statements pass for this reason.

And I’m not talking here about constantly niggling away at someone about trivial matters. I mean very occasional attempts to discuss either substantial issues, or relatively minor quibbles nonetheless still too large to ignore where otherwise I’d be in complete agreement with someone.

I mentioned peculiarities about Facebook (and the internet more widely) that encourage miscommunication. For me this appears to come from the fact that Facebook for example is neither wholly a public space nor wholly a private space. Hence people use it both for broadcasting activities, interests, aspects of their personality and self-image, and more, and as a supplement to emails, texts and other personal social contacts.

Most of the time when I use Facebook, I have in mind exactly that combination of public and personal motives. The problems come when, for instance, someone makes a critique of something I’ve said in a way they see as purely personal. Perhaps by way of opening a debate. As an example, say I post a link to an article about why those pedalling unproven cancer treatments for profit are rightly outlawed. This is largely intended as a broadcast. A friend then comments with a personal anecdote, and questions why I’m denying ‘ancient wisdom’.

Normally in this situation I would try to explain my position, and politely challenge what they’ve said. But for this example I read their post as being an attempt to hijack my message, and respond angrily. I post a condescending reply that also accuses them of being no better than a murderer. This is a disproportionate (if understandable) response, and more in keeping with a heated public debate than a private discussion. I’ve also, crucially, treated my friend more like a random stranger than someone I know.

Although I hate lists of ‘how to do something right’, and I realise that my suggestions are provisional and not the last word on this, I’ve tried to come up with some simple guidelines to try and avoid petty flame wars with friends.

Read and comprehend what they wrote. Then if you’re annoyed, read it again, more carefully. You may still be annoyed, in which case I’d advise against responding immediately. But, if you do write a response, read it before you send, and consider:

1. Does it actually relate to what you’re responding to, or are you dragging in other matters that may not be relevant?

2. What is your tone like? If you’re being condescending or dismissive or aggressive perhaps it might be wise to think again.

3. What is the forum, and who are you writing to? A public message on Facebook can be read by other people who have nothing to do with the argument. If they agree with you, is there a chance they might pile-in and make the thread devolve into bullying of the person you’re arguing with? I’ve seen it happen too often, it adds nothing to the debate, makes everyone angry, and reinforces an echo-chamber mentality where dissent is disallowed, and only ‘right thinking’ is permitted.

Either ignoring the person or politely challenging them in the first instance (if they’re a stranger), or taking it to private messages might be better (if it’s someone you know). Although, if you think a private message might be construed as bullying (carrying on aggression out of sight) then a polite challenge to someone you know might be more appropriate.

4. What are you trying to achieve? If you’re trying to ‘win’ the argument, make your opponent feel bad, shut them up or exclude their point of view, or just let off steam in their general direction, then you should probably close down your computer and walk away from it for a while.

5. Is there a possibility you might be wrong, or misreading a nuance? Why not politely check before lashing out?

6. Are you addressing the substance of their argument or attacking the person? If you’re doing the latter, delete the message and start over. If you still can’t cool down enough to engage with the issues rather than getting personal, leave it alone.

To bring this back to the beginning, I’ve found Facebook in particular has in recent years and months been having a detrimental effect on my mental health. It has increased my sense of social isolation and anxiety; what used to be an enjoyable and safe space now feels like being back at school, with the attendant cliques, exclusion and bullying; it’s caused me to self-censor, and then get angry with both myself and the friends with whom I’d like to discuss issues substantively, but who only seem interested in easy affirmation. Being only a year removed from my most recent depressive episode I don’t need that kind of stress and nonsense, hence my partial withdrawal.

tl:dr Fuck you all.