journal entry sun 11 july
Some slightly careless terminology and arguments that don't really go anywhere and the odd misspelling/missing letter, but I thought it might be interesting. At least one paragraph has been removed because I don't want to share it. The only other editing has been to add some links where it may not be clear who or what I'm talking about.
So the first thing is where I find myself with my poetry, which is wanting to perhaps draw in personal experience more but finding I'm inhibited by two factors. The first is that in the past writing about myself could sometimes become very destructive. I suspect that won't happen again, but it is a fear. The second is that in response to my reading of both innovative poetry and science fora and websites, as well as my own attempt to stop being so self-destructive, I've depersonalised my writing practice. Of course the Manchester sequence and my twitter stream have been about things I've seen and places I've been, but there has been a deliberate removal of me from the frame. I think I need to find ways of reinserting subjectivity + my own strengths into the text poetry without it being self-indulgent or self-harming. That really can only be done by practice, I can't reason my way into a style that works. It's a case of just writing.
The second thing, I'll go with Sapolsky. Frankly with a 50 minute lecture on the chemistry, neurology, biology etc of depression, even in simplified terms that I can just about follow, and the text of a lecture on religion, there is more tonight than I can properly make sense of now. Some of it seems to confirm what I think, that in many cases knowing about the biology + chemistry of the brain is more informative than philosophy and psychotherapy. BUT he is actually more tolerant of psychotherapy than I am, and sees that if you can find a way of reconciling the hard science with the subjective interpretations of psychotherapy, then you can accomplish a more complete understanding of the complaint. Having acknowledged that I am still not clear how he achieves that in his conclusions on depression, which I remember (probably inaccurately) as a kind of sleight of hand that places stress at the centre as a trigger and predisposing factor. I guess suggesting perhaps that the insights of psychotherapy, philosophy, even *shudder* religion can sometimes hit on the right things without ever understanding how or being able to propose a plausible mechanism.
Also on Sapolsky I wanted to reflect how dumb I generally feel - which is mostly a good thing, but sometimes inhibiting. I don't feel like I'm an expert in anything, and certainly nothing of any clear objective significance. Again this ties in with science blogs and fora, as with the reflections on writing I come up against my lack of understanding regularly. On the whole I prefer things like Sapolsky, and the more complex threads on Bad Science, and the harder science sections of the Philoctetes roundtables than I do discussions which are purely humanities-based. I especially dislike the tendency to use jargon in humanities, and the references to authorities frequently combined with quotation as evidence. And yet here again the scientists are often more tolerant than me. One of the repeated refrains on the Bad Science forums, which reminds me why I was interested in philosophy in the first place, is that while science can give you the facts of a case, it can't tell you what should be done in most cases. That is more subjective, and is a matter of ethics.
Turning away under all this is what I really want to write about. That's going on the bike ride on my own today - the things I saw, the things I thought, the things I experienced. And I'm aware that this might be read, that I might even ask people to read it, but that I want to put important personal things in. So I'll put them in and worry about it later. It links of course to my reflections on writing because it is of course the kind of thing that can form material for poetry. All the thought I've set down here are material for poetry. On a more concrete and literal level, taking Sapolsky's lecture on depression he talks about how depression is more than just a mind-set, it's not by any means amenable to 'oh pull yourself together.' By the same token, viewing things positively isn't just a mindset, it seems to be a relatively common state for the majority of non-depressive people. And although I have self-harmed in the past, been suicidal on a handful of occasions, and been very down for long periods of time, I do not regard myself as ever having experienced depression. My point being that I enjoyed the day, and it was a day that was easy to enjoy. But this is despite a couple of pretty shitty things happening.
So I guess I should break it down. First up, the shit things. I was about an hour out of town, well away from any shops and garages when my front tyre gave way. Either the repair didn't hold or a new hole developed. Reinflating didn't really work. So I stopped + had a look. I couldn't find the problem + I wasn't confident by shit cheap puncture kit would fix it anyway. But it was Sunday on a busy cycle route, and a really nice guy gave me a spare inner tube he had. Immediate problem fixed. I changed inners + tried to pump up the new inner - I should note at this time that a few people offered to help or made small talk. Unfortunately my even more worthless foot pump broke, when the rubber pipe came off + couldn't be fitted back. At most I could take twice as long getting the tyre to about half pressure before I couldn't hold the rubber in place any more which meant I got mad + kicked the footpump before I decided to wheel the bike home - maybe a four hour walk - and hope to find help on the way. After 20 minutes someone asked if I needed help - I could of course have asked for help myself, but baby-steps - and offered me use of his pump. With my bike fixed I was able to turn back round + continue my ride. I got beyond Lymm, and on a cooler or less stressful day might have got further, but decide to turn round and cycle home - around 90 minutes. Looking at a distance finder for the trail + cross referencing with my A-Z I think that's at least 25 km each way (around 16 m). The important thing is the setbacks didn't overwhelm me + I enjoyed my day out.
Second, the things I saw. There are large sections of the Transpennine Trail that at this time of year when the weather is so good are magical. Now it's worth noting that even up to last year I'd probably have got annoyed at anyone using magical like that. Obviously I don't mean literally magical or beyond science though. In places you cycle alongside fields of long grass, or of wheat (or some similar cereal crop). In other places you cycle through woodland. In another place the trees close in on, and over the trail, making a green bower with points of light falling through. Then elsewhere, although it's fenced off, you pass an area of wetland and hear birds. At the other side of the path Coots and Mallard swim on a large pool. In a farmyard white geese walked along a fence, followed by Mallard. In the same farmyard a scarecrow with bright orange clothing, and a shiny bucket for a head, topped with a safety helmet. In a more open area with high grass all round a dragonfly flew up out of sight ahead of me, only to drop back as I reached that spot and bounce off my chest, but fly on safely behind me. A caterpillar suspended by a thread from a leaf. Several scarecrows in fields along the way. A number of downhill sections with no need to do anything but sit and build up speed. Cycling twice more over a bridge across a motorway that until this weekend had defeated me because of my fear of heights. The child with his parents who offered to help by holding my wheel. The various people who said 'Hi' as they went past. A squirrel pausing in a field beyond the hedge, then running off. The sound of a cricket match from behind a levee. Seeing the Bridgewater canal outside of Lymm. There are many more things I could list, and I'm sure several will find their way into the next sections.
[...]
12/7/10 Really all that's left though are bits and pieces. Yesterday I began to feel that not only am I changing - as I've said to many people over the last few months - but that I'm in many ways unrecogniseable. Back in work I felt wholly different today. Getting back to the previous section, there are a couple of things I forgot to mention. Several times I looked at the landscape around [...] I also noticed that in the last week my apparent need for conversation face to face or on the phone at length on a daily basis has begun to recede. I'm learning how to be alone again.
It was very hot yesterday, with direct sun. I ended up sweating through my T-shirt under the rucksack + contemplated swimming fully clothed in the river. It was too narrow and shallow really, and I never passed anywhere suitable that I could see, otherwise I would have done. Coming back along the track to Altrincham I got a lot of small insects in my face and over my arms, and it certainly would have been great to stop + swim at that point. The dryness and the dust also made me realise belatedly that I really must get some oil for my bike, and start to keep it clean. Both of which I did today (along with a new puncture repair kit and a bunch of new innertubes).
The one thing I'm still not used to with my bike is using the gears. I tend to prefer to go into a gear slightly higher than where I should be because I'd rather feel like I'm doing some work. It does make my knees ache, which I hope is a sign they're strengthening. Partly because of insufficient muscle mass (I think) they've had a tendency to pop out of joint. Although over the last couple of years I've tried to ensure they don't get neglected during exercise, and it hasn't happened in a long time.
Embarrasingly this morning while rooting in my bag I found the missing bit of my hand bike pump, which if I'd had the pump with me would have allowed me to inflate my front tyre immediately.
Although it has only been a few days since my first venture that way on Friday, I already forgot to mention that I managed to both cycle and walk over a pedestrian bridge across the motorway. I don't think my fear of heights has gone away by any means, but it appears to be less of an anxiety before getting to the height. It seems to be related to a much reduced anxiety, and a greater sense of relaxation, a greater ease with myself and others. Although given the 'I, I, I' nature of this set of reflections, in everyday situations and conversation I'm noticably less self-absorbed + simply don't watch myself as closely. That's not only a relief for me, it must be a lot nicer for other people.
And that's probably about all. I'll think about sticking some of them on my blog.
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