ahem
Earlier today I published a largely meaningless post from my phone. I've left it in place below, but thought I should probably explain how it came about.
Since Wednesday I've been experiencing what I think are side-effects of the Citalopram I'm taking. These have included feeling fairly manic, poor concentration, and especially in the mornings a kind of pseudo-synaesthesia. Visual stimulus in particular produces smells and to a lesser degree sounds. Not smells or sounds that actually seem as real as immediate sensations, but present nonetheless.
This morning my confusion quickly became more extreme than usual, and after passing through Alexandra Park rather than walking to work I took a diversion.
I was still walking indirectly in the direction of work. Part of me realised that however difficult it might be, if I didn't go to work I wouldn't get paid and might put my contract at risk, so I took a route that left open the choice of diverting to work at any stage. But most of my being felt nothing but terror at either going to work or going home and calling in sick.
So I walked through Whalley Range, into Chorlton, and then to Trafford, intermittently posting confused messages to Facebook, and of course the post below.
I had no destination, but when I considered what I might be looking for my brain snatched at something in my visual field, a lilac coloured flower. Somewhere lilac.
What was going through my mind? The best description is the one I jotted in my notebook shortly after I decided to go to work:
How to explain this morning? I felt existentially unsafe outside, but permeable to everything. It was frightening, but better than work which was psychically unsafe + physically unreal. So I wandered off vaguely intending to go to work but wanting to go different places and have the option of staying out. I developed a fascination for the colour lilac. When I found a cluster of plants in shades of lilac in Trafford the different flowers and hues, + the greens + water droplets on them made me cry. Then the physical + the psychic were in balance + it felt safe to go to work.
By permeable I mean it felt like I wasn't physically present. For the first few minutes out of the house I felt like a disembodied face, perhaps even invisible, through which sensations and even physical objects could pass. I had to keep looking at my body to remind myself I was actually there.
The strongest impressions were visual, followed by my synaesthesic smells. But frightening, and anxiety-producing as it was outside, the existential threat I felt was preferable to being indoors.
I couldn't say exactly what I meant psychically unsafe, even at the time. But it felt like a greater threat to self than non-existence.
So far as I can tell there was no especial significance to the colour lilac, it just happened to be something that I saw when I was writing a Facebook status, that then became a fixed idea. Thankfully one that was easily fulfilled.
That's more or less it. My performance in work was hopelessly slow, and I was only really half-present. Probably it was a mistake to go there, and I should have called in sick and gone home.
I would also like to apologise to anyone who may have been concerned by the increasingly irrational Facebook statuses I posted. So yeah, sorry.
Since Wednesday I've been experiencing what I think are side-effects of the Citalopram I'm taking. These have included feeling fairly manic, poor concentration, and especially in the mornings a kind of pseudo-synaesthesia. Visual stimulus in particular produces smells and to a lesser degree sounds. Not smells or sounds that actually seem as real as immediate sensations, but present nonetheless.
This morning my confusion quickly became more extreme than usual, and after passing through Alexandra Park rather than walking to work I took a diversion.
I was still walking indirectly in the direction of work. Part of me realised that however difficult it might be, if I didn't go to work I wouldn't get paid and might put my contract at risk, so I took a route that left open the choice of diverting to work at any stage. But most of my being felt nothing but terror at either going to work or going home and calling in sick.
So I walked through Whalley Range, into Chorlton, and then to Trafford, intermittently posting confused messages to Facebook, and of course the post below.
I had no destination, but when I considered what I might be looking for my brain snatched at something in my visual field, a lilac coloured flower. Somewhere lilac.
What was going through my mind? The best description is the one I jotted in my notebook shortly after I decided to go to work:
How to explain this morning? I felt existentially unsafe outside, but permeable to everything. It was frightening, but better than work which was psychically unsafe + physically unreal. So I wandered off vaguely intending to go to work but wanting to go different places and have the option of staying out. I developed a fascination for the colour lilac. When I found a cluster of plants in shades of lilac in Trafford the different flowers and hues, + the greens + water droplets on them made me cry. Then the physical + the psychic were in balance + it felt safe to go to work.
By permeable I mean it felt like I wasn't physically present. For the first few minutes out of the house I felt like a disembodied face, perhaps even invisible, through which sensations and even physical objects could pass. I had to keep looking at my body to remind myself I was actually there.
The strongest impressions were visual, followed by my synaesthesic smells. But frightening, and anxiety-producing as it was outside, the existential threat I felt was preferable to being indoors.
I couldn't say exactly what I meant psychically unsafe, even at the time. But it felt like a greater threat to self than non-existence.
So far as I can tell there was no especial significance to the colour lilac, it just happened to be something that I saw when I was writing a Facebook status, that then became a fixed idea. Thankfully one that was easily fulfilled.
That's more or less it. My performance in work was hopelessly slow, and I was only really half-present. Probably it was a mistake to go there, and I should have called in sick and gone home.
I would also like to apologise to anyone who may have been concerned by the increasingly irrational Facebook statuses I posted. So yeah, sorry.
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