embolism

the air the light's thickening
transparent jelly weighs
heavy to walk through.

i haven't been so aware
of looking through my eyes
in ages, of being trapped inside
something. slow and confused.

but i only want to sink more
have the world tighten round me.
passive, stumble off the pavement.

could be someone else's choice.
i don't know here it's not
my hometown. i never had one,
only but you were.

i'm running out of air in my specimen jar.
tried breathing through my skin.

keep dreaming i'm in a big house
but you're not there. you have friends
and you're outside. i have to fuck
the freshly dead and clean the rooms.

back when i could feel i liked
movement and energy, i'd write
to extremes. best is a oneshot
fall over and it's done. forget it
no point to sell what's dead.

inside swollen and putrid.
have to purge myself throw up
black eels. pull them,
they won't come fast enough. bile
and transparent mucus in my nose.

what i found, used to find, in others
since i was 10, 11, 12
was calm. a place to stay
up all night, a place
to go out, a place to be happy,
not criticise myself.

maybe i could get wasted wake up
brain-damaged. when i was a kid
i wanted to be, a lot
of the time a woman. there was
something. my fingers.