The Seven Deaths of Donald Trump - a short fiction

 

The Seven Deaths of Donald Trump 

1. Stepping out of Lidl with his bags for life full of groceries and an air fryer on middle aisle offer, Donald Trump slipped on some black ice. Taken by surprise and unable to react he fell backwards hard, striking his head with shocking force. He died in the ambulance.

2. Painting the ceiling a subtle violet Donald trump felt a tension. He stopped and shrugged his shoulders, stretched and resumed painting. The tension continued, but Donald tried to ignore it. Probably a strain, he thought, probably my fault for standing on the office chair with its rotation and its wheels that I am having to compensate for. Should have used that tatty old wingback. But still he continued, paint dripping onto his hand, his face, his suit. Wearing that was another bad decision, he thought. At last Donald gave up, stepped off the office chair, and moved it aside. Then he grabbed the wingback chair, strained to pull it, and was dead from a massive heart attack before he hit the ground.

3. Donald Trump was bored during a long drive from Slough to Morecambe and spent the time talking to the driver. Even that palled very quickly; the driver knew nothing about musicals and Donald was not familiar with the works of Kierkegaard, so they had no common grounds for conversation. Instead Donald pivoted to 'I-Spy'. That went well until a dispute arose over whether pneumatic began with an n, and whether Donald could actually see a pneumatic brake. Violently gesticulating and looking round at the president, the driver never saw the oncoming Eddie Stobart truck that obliterated the car, killing both occupants. 

4. Donald Trump was pleased with the restoration he had done on the flat above a laundrette that he was about to advertise for rent on Gumtree. He was especially proud that he had completed all the plumbing and electrical work himself. Leaving the flat he went to switch off the light and was instantly electrocuted. 

5. Donald Trump loved mischief night. He especially loved pranking members of his cabinet by lighting fireworks near them. He crept up on Pete Hegseth, banger in one hand box of Swan Vestas in the other. Hegseth was listening to Brother Beyond on headphones, which meant he would not hear the match striking. Donald lit the banger, dropped it behind Hegseth, and retreated. No bang. Cautiously Donald approached the firework and picked it up. He drew it close to his face. He died from the trauma and blood loss after the banger exploded in his hand taking, two of his fingers and an eye with it.

6. Out for a run, well a walk, really, Donald Trump stopped to relieve himself behind a bush. An assassin's bullet ripped through his head. When the killer was caught his motive and politics were so inscrutable that the subsequent publishing and conspiracy industry made JFK's look insignificant.

7. On trial for crimes against humanity, Donald Trump tried and failed to kill himself many times. He was contemplating how to get hold of hemlock when he died on the toilet, just like Elvis, halfway through passing an unconscionable stool.