friday 28 + saturday 29 september 2012

This post is mainly drawn from recent entries on my journal giving an account of the freakout I had on Friday 28, leading to me admitting myself to A&E on the Saturday.

I seem to have experienced something akin to a four-day panic attack beginning Wednesday 26 September, and culminating with that admission

Sunday 30 September I was careful to avoid overstimulating myself, and on Monday 1 October was simply knocked out by the first of three days Diazepam prescribed to calm me down.

Friday 28 September 2012
Friday was the crucial day.

As on Wednesday and Thursday I posted large numbers of mostly irrational observations to Facebook from my phone through the day.

The synaesthesia I’d experienced on Wednesday and Thursday mornings was greatly reduced, but still present. This mainly took the form of smells (and more faintly, sounds) in response to colours and patterns.

Normally my altered states have struck me as I walk through the park. But this day it started only a few steps from the front door. Synaesthesic smells gave way to a sense of  my own permeability to colours and smells. Then my conviction grew that I was simply a huge, disembodied, invisible face, permeable to everything, floating along the pavement. I had to look down at my own body to reassert my own physical reality.

I still felt permeable to everything. From this grew a set of fears. At times over the last few weeks I’ve wanted to crawl under a blanket and hide, that wasn’t the case any more. Though I couldn’t have articulated it this way while I was in the grip of my irrational fears I developed a series of convictions.

They were that the ‘outside’ was existentially dangerous and physically real, but that this was preferable to ‘inside’ which was psychically dangerous and physically unreal. Of the two I felt that a physically real existential threat was preferable to a physically unreal psychic threat.

That meant I had to stay outdoors, I could neither go to work nor go home. I knew this was irrational, and that if I didn’t go to work I could well lose my job. I certainly wouldn’t get paid. So I decided to go for a walk that always left the possibility of going to work if it felt possible at any stage, while also allowing me the possibility of heading out into parks or countryside.

While I was dropping one of my irrational Facebook status updates I decided I should have a destination for my walk. And grasping at random at a flower in my peripheral vision I half-jokingly suggested ‘somewhere lilac’ as that destination.

My walk took me from home, across Princess Road, through Alexandra Park, through Whalley Range to Chorlton, and from Chorlton to Old Trafford.

It was in Old Trafford that I passed a set of bushes and weeds that all had flowers in different shades of lilac. They also had leaves in a similar profusion of greens. And though it had stopped raining, the whole was covered in a scintillating grain of raindrops.

This sight moved me to the point of tears, and in doing so seemed to bring the physical and the psychic into a kind of accommodation, making it safe to go to work.

In work my performance was hopelessly compromised, and I probably should have taken the day off sick, and tried to see my GP.

Saturday 29 September 2012
If Friday was the worst day, Saturday ran it close.

I still felt peculiar in the morning. From the Citalopram leaflet, from other reading, and from conversations, I began to wonder whether Serotonin syndrome might not be an outside possibility for my recent behaviour.

I left the house with a dual, or even triple intention. I meant to buy some lunch, and some alcohol for the Hulme Hippodrome fundraiser gig later in the day. I also intended to go to A&E to get myself checked out - this seemed like the more important plan. Finally I also planned to take a short walk around town.

These conflicting intentions meant I ended up wandering at random, and in some confusion, until I found myself in Platt Fields.

There I found that there were places I knew that I didn’t recognise, my geography and general sense of where things should be (usually reliable) was in bits, I was confused, and my memory shot.

I texted a friend suggesting I should go to A&E. They agreed, and I set off in the right direction. Somewhere on the way I lost my sense of urgency and direction, ending up back home.

Once there I knew I had to get to A&E. Rather than call a taxi I called around friends, until I got hold of my sister. The intention being (which was executed) to have someone talk to me all the way there, so I didn’t get distracted and wander off somewhere else.

At A&E I saw a psychiatrist, and had my temperature, heart-rate, and bloods taken. The conclusion was that it certainly wasn’t Serotonin syndrome, which apart from anything would have manifested much sooner. It was felt I was just experiencing extreme anxiety. I was given a Diazepam, with another to take 2-3 hours later, and discharged with a prescription for 3 days more Diazepam to pick up at the Out-Patients Pharmacy.

At home I initially went to bed, but after a couple of calls from members of my family and a text from a friend about the Hulme Hippodrome fundraiser, which still had a few hours to run, I took the second Diazepam. Then after a couple of shots, a Malibu and cranberry, and vodka and coke with housemates who were also heading out - though in their case to the village, I set out.

I bought a 20cl bottle of Barcardi on the way (of which I drank just over a third) and danced the night away. I had a great time.

Facebook posts
These more than anything give a sense of my state of mind as events unfolded. In the main these status updates are from the period Wednesday 26 September to Saturday 29 September, with a few from the days since.

There have been brief periods of agitation, but mostly short-lived and manageable.

Although in retrospect I find some of what happened and what I wrote quite funny, I find these collected outpourings quite gruelling to read. Honestly I'd be happy not to go back there.


Wednesday 26 September 2012
almost walked out in the rain in socks without a coat after meditating but chose not to because it would have been a conscious choice and not as irrational as it looked. not sensible for sure just attention seeking and harmless and whats the point in that. a whole discussion in my journal for next tuesday that gets a little knotty simply because so many ideas get tangled up in there but when is that not the case? this is why work is so fucking deathly unchallenging and atrophying to the brain sense of self and breadth of interests why i have to make art and have stimulation all the time and why sometimes i get hyperactive have to express things and burn off that energy. its also why last weeks somnolence and sleep was so fucking frustrating. ten hours is a ridiculous time to sleep when its leaving you groggy and theres other things youd rather be doing - thank fuck thats over. my energy seems to be back and a lot of emotional ebullience - tho in the meditate it led to a crash to further reflection and the thought i'd like to go out in the rain. maybe a little manic? who knows? just blether

and after last week now we're out the other way - cant sleep - feel wired - still just citalopram tho - wanna go out where its loud and people get altered and dance. do things. didnt this evening not sure whats changed. hey why not message me? i may reply but maybe having laid down the offer i might sleep - i hope - but be good to talk if i dont. damn brain - back in yr box you. gnwahh

cant think - form thoughts - got sleep surprisingly good but wanted more when i woke. now incessant - brainjam or jumping - eyes jitter - tiredness + irrepressible high epileptic dancing without music incessant movement necessary - no concentration - feeling high + have to move jittering - new shower gel senses heightened shower gel stinks + will have to go - movement

ever expanding - agitated movement - cant meditate like this. hopefully time or the next dose will quell it a little for the day

Geese walking through flooding in park

Cat shelters under tree

declarative bombast

shouldve gone for postmidnight barefoot walk in park without coat got cold + soaked + tired then switched off my alarm slept what i needed + gone to work late. wouldve felt less hyper maybe

'There's not been some weird change I don't know about has there?'

wet feet dry mouth = wrong

anyone wanna go for a drink after work? i feel really hyper + manic

Blue clouds with breaks of lighter blue sky

supermarket bags for life - transforming the lives of improvising musicians

no-one wants to play. ah, fuck you all then

'sometimes I take my huffin' rag out behind the dumpsters' - Surprisingly mainstream + commercial sounding for NWW [Nurse With Wound] - a bit like squarepusher getting beat up outside a cinema

Thursday 27 September 2012
[Hototogisu] laminated textured + shrill sounds like the inside of my head - the first time was floating a warm bath brain resonating the right frequency. beautiful. still trying to find a way to make my voice do things like this - don't have the flexibility yet + not a fan of words. language too precise + simultaneously vague - cried meditating the impossibility of communication + my desire for it. the closest i get is art. i love. friends matter, art matters, love matters + all day i have to be in work having my face patronised to bits by people who seem content or happy to pretend. but this is happy. happy sound. brain coming home. float with me
the same with mdma - a beauty - showed me ways i could love + ultimately learned to take that love out of the high. still too controlled and shy but getting better. always better. the mdma vibrated right for my brain, was coming home, waking up, starting to know myself. never combined this music with the drug - should maybe try it
GO. TO. BED.
cant make me
You'll regret it. You can't go on burning the candle at both ends [/Mum]
arses - i'm arguing with myself pretending to be different people. + i'm really hot + really hyper. and have work tomorrow. go to bed. don't want to. i'll just listen to one more song - not this one though

much too easily bored - ooh, 'eat y'self fitter' - 'easy rider coot grabbed the edge of my coat, said yr too smart for here' - no no no, gotta sleep. tho for what? work? can do that sleeping. dance dance dance more more. fire. tentacle thought flailing physical flailing lie till i sleep wake later + more of the same. pirates. talk to me. dreams of friendship. architectural flame brain wheels thru water morning puddles road angels - prick - then calm. no agitation. breathe and sleep. caverns - repetition - door ajar - exquisite - narcotic - intoxicate. but not. breathe breathe breathe breathe. goodnight i think

last night's ramblings brought to you by nothing stronger than coffee and random play on iTunes - in yr face!
well that + the Citalopram. i've also developed a line in bedroom dancing that's more or less indistinguishable from having a violent seizure

"If both of your arm have recently been ripped off please hang up and dial 645-234-8776-9332-82-6653."
Unable to play this reality. To download an upgade for your brain click OK.

i can smell textures. how come i never noticed before? think it's that they're phantom smells - i can visualise but they're not there. kind of like when you see stuff but you know it isn't actually in front of you, as distinct from hallucinations or misinterpreting what something is. a lot of granular sandy smells this morning with a faint calming hissing sound. at least in the park
genuinely smell iron on my fingertips just briefly touched a barrier. i stink of every surface + object i touch - its dizzying

synesthesia all over the place - like my brains boiling in a good way - trees swirling in summer wind - its a party in my head come + join me!
see, i'm having fun + yre just rushing, person who went striding by. that's not the point at all

yr beard is much too bushy - go + shave man u look lile a cats bollock. i'm not even telling u how it tastes to my newly sparkly synaesthesic self - but i'd want to puke if i smelled it in the mirror. eek - almost runover

"Innovation through time"? what the cock are you talking about?

my fruit juice sounds funny - too strident - and my banana tastes too literary with crashing gears + an unpleasant orange cast. could be a long day

vibrationing expandening + levi levi levitating. also last thursday's journal. hairy

flavours smells + textures in the mouth a bit ovrlerwhelming - nil by mouth. except interacting with everything on my desk in work by licking it

Leaf carried by wind with motion like a tiny butterfly settles a moment on coat sleeve then away

still vibrating + hot, still clenching jaw, still finding all sensations really really really heightened (+ almost feeling loved-up) plus the synaesthesic sensations - tho more of a background foam now - ooh fish, big fish in ship canal - and still feeling quite hyper. this is better than last week

unrelated shapes objects sounds patterns colours + especially today smells twist + merge making new sensations - form taste smell sound + more shivering thru me

keeping it empty keeping it hot keeping it dreaming breathless and faster people and places and things you miss is it all ego yrself and fear insecurity? green dripping plates almond scales like fingernails a little harder than hissing but not quite click in a series of spirals i took a dump in those trees it was emergency and early morning no-one around. all these states and emotions the same time pause a moment at the roadedge dark but bright in yr eyes. i forgot

[Sonic Youth] is there a moon? want to float tapping the ceiling gently with my chest spin round ass + head the points of contact below lights from appliances in the dark room a remote city. spread my fingers get high from the hands inward

[Mogwai, Kids Will Be Skeletons] just before the 2 minute mark this starts to open out like coming up, sunrise, the moment you start to connect with someone, trying something challenging + finding it well within yr powers, when things go right

[Earth, Teeth Of Lions Rule The Divine] special low frequency version

tree tastes nice singing tastes nice spat out tree as a reflex aftertaste + green bits peppery recurring through the day

photo of cd box set grinning at me like sinister pacman with moustache. dont trust it, may have to hide the knives. bad beatles

argh! it the ace of noses or s'thing. begone - i will my magic woofer on you. bounce!

bamboos growing in my room been rooted in plastic + clay. i will never be able to lick my own throat

why you do adverts you horrible people? i shipwreck you car + clothes. pfeh! it isn't a film its a bullshit. no one can see yr face

cant concentrate one song blurs to another. damn! sure i'd posted this, but here it is

Friday 28 September 2012
no nightmares recently no abandonment dreams but lots of dreams where friends are nice to other people - this is nice. not anxious at night

walking - not panicked - floodlake by trees - permeable - not here but everything pour thru perception - just energy process slow - cant go to work like this - walk somewhere - lucky everything smells b/c that stays in face - go where - somewhere lilac
so panic scary outside but inside too safe kills senses - reds good - vibrate intense but safe too - cant say to work 'sorry, not crazy but dont want indoors now, see you monday' - whalley range somewhere

grapefruits brickwork - chorlton trafford - okay goto work - light - panic over - well not but better there - tasks - what's ...?

no - weightless + detached - no destination - numbing - floor carpets + nice ppl - numbing - mechanical + patronising no challenge - do and do and do and safe - all takes place in windows & screens - need to be permeable but need to make the rent - sane enough - ok walk that direction - what vibration is this - consequence - i am permeable transient + body narcotic feeling touch yr screen for contact high. need to stay warm
this is bullshit

FOUND FLOWERS + PLANTS WAS LOOKING FOR - WANT TO CRY + LILACS + GREENS + WATER ON THEM - LIGHT KEEPS OPENING OUT + OUT - INTERPERMEABLE THRU - TO WORK + TRY CALM - SSHH - ALL GOOD
alls well

Ignore this morning's posts, there's a rational explanation. When I set off to work it felt like outside was existentially unsafe but in touch with physical reality, which was what I wanted. Inside by contrast was physically safe but psychically unsafe, and I felt I couldn't risk it, at home or work. So I took a circuitous route that always gave me the option of going either to work or staying outside.

While doing this I developed a fascination for the colour lilac. This became crucial when I came across a combination of self-seeded and intentionally planted flowers and bushes in shades of lilac in Trafford. Such a profusion of the colour I'd been looking for along with a variety of greens, and the texture of water drops on them, made me cry. It felt as though the physical and the psychic had reached some kind of accommodation and it was safe to go to work.
When I say rational explanation I mean the explanation is rational inasmuch as it clearly states the reasons I acted like I did, which have am internally consistent logic. The reasons themselves, however, are plainly delusional and irrational

Saturday 29 September 2012
nah still bored orf me noggin + cant fackin sleep + i need sleep been so wired the last 3 days + lets face it yesterday morning was hardly fukken rational were it? anyway tis the wkend can get wasted but what, is the question? also shd i go for a walk + tired meself aht or should i try 't sleep here n now i mean it plainly aint happenin. feel less self harmy than 10 mins ago but no less lonely - its all boredom boredom boredom - need a new project need a friend need something to slow me dahn - these r all 3 different + distinct needs by the way if yr puzzled + if yr puzzled why r you even reading this shite? i stopped payin attention a long time ago. sleep sleep slepe sleep sleep. nah nuffin not a single fucking wink. i'm so booored + lonely + bored + bored + did i mention awake. blimey charlie my consciousness feel bruised like i should be asleep but i'm still wide awake like my ability to sleep fell out of a tree + now its sitting in a striplit corridor watching a+e walkins + stretcher cases walk past while it has to hold its arm somewhere uncomfortable + cant even read. someone comealong + twist my melon - this the issue - been having to twist my own for months + now i'm bored of my own headgames. i mean it was fun friday dont get me wrong but i dont got much more of that left in me. sleep. nope not a sausage. just the purring + stuttering + gibbering + yawning + farting + damn fucking whining of my own lickle brain. moan moan moan. cant lick my own forehead, or the front of my brain blah blah blah blahblah

antidepressants - what i need is antiboredom - stimulation - someone around - not much fun on yr own - wanna sleep wanna sleep wannasleep - bored - could go for a walk but tired tho i cant sleep + know i need to. distraction. yawn - awesome - boredom - monitor - contour - ro - yawn - rose - water to death - tree fallen over - soft ground - water water water water - aw. fukkit. nevermind. night

Hoorah! Last Saturday I done gone on a big long walk + spent aaages up Reddish Vale - read all abaht it!

[Prolapse, Chill Blown] ah fucken love Prolapse! Seriously recommend you get Pointless Walks to Dismal Places. 18 years old nah. This en starts slow but the last 4 n ahalf minutes tremendous

suggestion my yesterday's crazy + general hyperactivity/inability to concentrate might be (emphasise might, could easily not be) indication of potential serotonin syndrome - tho aint been take anything else at all. whatever going to the gp in the week. anyfuckenhow spend the morning dancing not enough sleep but not getting none now. hallogallo!

learn to count with lightning bolt - '1 2 3 4 we must lock the door / 5 6 7 8 we must evacuate / 9 10 11 12 we must prepare for / 13 monsters 13 monsters'

jesus fat cock! i strongly suspect our cat of paddling in the upstairs toilet. wierdo

[Lightning Bolt, Ride The Sky] hahahahaha! join my sugarrush! citalopram - check. coffee + loads of it - check. noisy fuckers - check check check!!! now fly fucker fly (ooh almost meta). heh - disentangled cat from venetian blinds + now he's snuck into my pilot case. damn near as nuts as me

1st was someone gesturing then was leaves waving now its fabric tied to a car aerial. wait what? why does a car havean aerial? dont understand. dont have something - left pocket feels empty - mean it always is but...

monkey in a neckbrace

ooo bright sun

ah BUDGET with a flourish after the T - thot it said BUUGERS

i recognise that street but its in china wait no but like it. back on track now. aldi. recommends me a spirits someone. warm

bit worried about recent side-effects from citalopram so in a+e. going to miss start of hulme hippodrome fundraiser
you ok?
think so - hospital think symptoms last 4 days are anxiety - given me diazapam + said to go see gp next week. still agitated + confused x

back from a+e. they think today + previous 3 feeling hyper down to anxiety. been given diazepam + told to go to gp in week. still feel odd but slowing down a little

Sunday 30 September 2012
Cat chewing paper bag

indestructable. yes

breakfast then

Tuesday 2 October 2012
Praise be the new Eucharist of Citalopram + Diazepam for lo it hath made me unto a boring fuck what don't care about anything. For is it not written that I cannot feel the reds vibrate anymore? Oh look, it totally is. There's nothing wrong with me, I'm going back to ask them to lay some MDMA or Mugwump jism on me. But no, I shall to work and behave, and there shall be no more cakes and ale

Thats better - cars seem like an awful waste of music tho. Stop the traffic block the roads get some mallets lets have percussive jams the length of country - rhythms beaten out of roofs + doors + wheels + exhausts. The skies ring with a new dance. Thats better - cant sink me in that well forever

Thot the diazepam was having no effect but then it all went a bit 'my own private idaho'. Now i keep getting timeslips + appear to be in an underpowered modern-dress production of richard ii

Friday 5 October 2012
Diazepam definitely worn off - brain racing again - dozens ideas. Don't worry, no freakouts today. In half light seemed like everything was slipping + shifting. Sounds were intentional. Snail crawling down kerbstone - delicacy + tininess of its eyes. Decay. Water everywhere. Smells. Dreamt I was in a huge house, a load of people arrived from a party - 40 of them - my friends went somewhere else. The party people were boring so I explored the house. It was immense + decorated throughout in a pinkish crimson. No panics - just a lot of thoughts. Rain comes + goes. Felt safer earlier with hood up

And all I haven't told - being able to taste the sky, how the smoke from a bonfire yesterday smelled narcotic, that last Friday tree branches seemed alternately to be pulled glass shapes or cracks in reality thru which was nothing, fascination with surfaces + movement, fleeting feelings of invulnerability. But it's okay - I'm calm + not trusting any of these

some lights that seem solid straight on flicker i peripheral vision - scattering of small white mushrooms loke smarties - temperature - warm - movement draws me in - pale blues - creak and fletter of old bike - angry car horn - man looks round + heads right - smell like woodsmoke but without the smoke. OK, stop it now.

trees reflected in water more distinct than the real thing. then the waterfall tree - watched it cascade from its invisible cliff all summer. magpies swing + strut. short cut - rather walk in the light. slipping wet

Saturday 6 October 2012
gah! brainular hyperactivity - too many students blocking p'ment - cars... cars! in the way - admittedly in the road - but jesus, try walking you lazy metal sparkplug bastards - have to buy my antidepressants - heartrates mental - had an urge to walk with my forehead on the ground bt think its gone