misogyny, misandry + things
Ok I'm really tired, so this might wander all over the place. Or I might go to bed despite it being about midday and come back to it later. In which case there might be a big disjunction in the tone of my writing. We'll just have to see. As a precaution against forgetting my intended subjects, this post will cover my own misandry, the fears that I have about how I'm perceived by others, the misogyny that I'm afraid I might commit myself at times, and how some of that appears to be changing. That will bring in things that have been discussed in recent visits to the clinical psychologist, in discussions with friends, especially on my recent trip to Cardiff, and some notes on ageing. And having written all that I've realised how absolutely fucking exhausted I am, so I'm going to sleep now. Back later.
Right, four hours laters, got some sleep but still feel a bit disconnected. Forgot to mention previously that the discussion is going to be mainly about how all the issues above affect social situations.
misandry + how I'm perceived
My misandry's as much a distrust of myself as it is of other men. And of course as well as affecting the way I view others it has a profound effect on the way I view myself.
But this is wrong. Having been away at my mother's for three days there's a fresh perspective. The problem is trying to expand opinions and impressions into something crisp, accurate and properly analytical. That can come later. First the impressions in this post, then in the next (marathon) post an explanation as to why the 'scientific' approach is always going to be a bit of a mistake for me - or at least painfully hard. Only then is it likely that something resembling the beginning of a proper academic analysis might be attempted. But by then there'll be a whole new cluster of ideas fascinating me.
So, misandry. Basically in the abstract I view all men as violent, ignorant, misogynist potential rapists. In actual fact, although that distrust lingers, I'm happy to judge men on what I see of them or get told about them by people I trust. Some of my best friends are men. But the distrust remains. Some of it's directed at men who are manifestly violent, ignorant, misogynists, rapists, sleazy etc. But there's plenty of distaste to go round, and that is inwardly focussed.
I'd like to say that on the whole I try to be a decent guy, and I hope people think I'm a good person, but I know I have faults. I used to be short tempered, and I still get annoyed to the point of wanting to hurt people occasionally, though I haven't had a fight in a long time. Like anyone I can be ignorant, especially as manifest by not listening to people, or by ignoring what's been said to me. Some of this is due to simply not understanding, and either asking no questions at all, not asking the right questions to clarify, or simply not listening when the answer comes.
misogyny
Rape and being sleazy I'm going to bracket together. There is a risk that dealing with extremes of unwanted behaviour either demeans the seriousness of one, or exaggerates the harm of the other, but I want to deal with them as a continuum. I am constantly aware, and have only recently admitted, that I will frequently enter into social encounters with women and start by making a sexual appraisal of the women or woman present. It's vaguely along the lines of - is she attractive? Is she intelligent? Do I stand a chance of having an intimate relationship with this woman? And does she think I'm sleazy? The answer to the last is quite probably 'yes' in most cases. Especially since instead of allowing this set of thoughts to run through me unanswered, or answered superficially and then forgotten about, I agonise about the questions internally. That means heightening my awareness of the woman as a sexual being, and in consciously trying to ignore this, spending undue amounts of time staring at parts of her body. Another implication of this is that when it comes to relationships I will wait for the woman to make the first move. But I'm aware that the male gaze, the male appraisal of women, the treatment of women as sexual property before looking at them as independent human beings has been a means of subjection and control. And for someone who believes sex to be potentially an antagonistic act, and who's aware of how people can be coerced into actions they oppose, that's awfully close to rape. It also means that I'm primarily listening to myself, rather than fully communicating with the person I'm with. All of which indicates if not misogyny, then at least blocks to communication based on gender.
recent changes
Whether it's a short-term reaction to the CBT I've been undergoing, a response to having taken more ecstasy/MDMA this year than in the previous three years, the result of marinading myself in music that acts on my brain like a narcotic, ageing, or some other cause I have found that I'm beginning to act differently in social situations. Essentially it's getting easier to switch off the noise and concentrate less on myself.
Some of this is setting, it's easier to relax, concentrate, and listen to other people when you're in their flat than when you're in a pub or club. Some of it is that when I do meet people I'm increasingly being introduced to really intelligent people. Therefore in order to keep up I actually have to listen, rather than going off in my own head. Another aspect seems to be not caring so much about how I come across. I still feel competitive, I still want to impress with how smart and sensitive I am, but at the same time I'm aware that just as I have strengths other people don't, they have strengths that I don't. Part of that is noticing that I'm pretty weak on reasoning and logic, but strong on sudden intuitive leaps and articulating myself. Generally.
Of all the potential causes of these changes, ecstasy/MDMA has the most noticeable effect. I stop caring about mental and physical distractions totally and quickly, the noise in my head stops. It's best described as white noise, it's kind of a penumbra of thoughts, pre-verbalising of ideas, pictures and sounds in my head, things in my vision and on the periphery, physical self-awareness and more. Now, while all that stimulus is still there on ecstasy, my head goes quiet. All that's important are the people that I'm with. Instead of trying to please them by planning carefully what I want to say, by thinking about what might make them happy and thereby losing touch with where the conversation actually is, I try to please them by participating. Whereas sober or drunk I might never fully join in the group, with ecstasy/MDMA I can bring myself into the circle fairly quickly once I come up. And participating doesn't have to mean saying anything, it can mean listening actively and attentively. It's no longer about me, it's about 'us', and whatever the subject in hand is. If I have something to say then I'll say it, but it's not a contest.
The most disappointing aspect of coming down is the return of self-awareness. I've talked about this before, the beauty of being in a fugue state or something close. When self-awareness stops intruding if not vanishes altogether, leaving you almost at one with your environment. I'm not talking about a shared consciousness, or some mystical connection with things that you otherwise wouldn't know. Rather I mean an awareness that far from being the only reality in the room, or the centre of experience, you're in fact just one node of consciousness and of experience in a wider network. You still don't have access to others except through what they can tell you, but you're a lot less alone than you were before. Previously I'd only really experienced it through walking or writing, on ecstasy/MDMA, and occasionally through music and sex.
But in recent months talking to people I know, or who friends have introduced me to has begun to have the same effect. Music increasingly helps, currently I'm pretty close to tripping, and the words are coming fluidly without having to be planned, and a strong component of that is the music that I'm listening to. Khanate, OM, Noxagt, KTL, Skullflower, Earth etc. The rest is simply the effect that I can get from writing, letting something deeper than thought do the talking. Another great aspect of ecstasy/MDMA is being able to go with my first thought, in fact only being able to go with my first thought, instead of carefully carving something to drop in front of the wondering eyes of everyone in the room, which is my usual strategy.
CBT was mentioned, and it does seem to have helped this time, albeit not in the way that I expected it to, far less interventionist. Rather than offering strategies or a map, it's helped me see what doesn't work, understand where behaviours can be let go. You know, it's taken a couple of years - I may get there after everyone else, but I do get there in the end.
The big unknown here is how far ageing has helped or instigated some of these changes. Most of the changes predate the most recent trip to Cardiff, and it was only while on ecstasy one evening that I began to think that I'm not all that bothered about the process of getting older anymore. I don't like it, I'd prefer that it didn't happen, but it feels less alien now, less like something I have to fight.
This is for everyone that I talked to while I was in Cardiff this month. I had a great time and you all helped me a lot, I only hope I was able to offer reasonable company in return. Take care, and I hope I'll see you all later in the year - maybe around November if all goes well.
Right, four hours laters, got some sleep but still feel a bit disconnected. Forgot to mention previously that the discussion is going to be mainly about how all the issues above affect social situations.
misandry + how I'm perceived
My misandry's as much a distrust of myself as it is of other men. And of course as well as affecting the way I view others it has a profound effect on the way I view myself.
But this is wrong. Having been away at my mother's for three days there's a fresh perspective. The problem is trying to expand opinions and impressions into something crisp, accurate and properly analytical. That can come later. First the impressions in this post, then in the next (marathon) post an explanation as to why the 'scientific' approach is always going to be a bit of a mistake for me - or at least painfully hard. Only then is it likely that something resembling the beginning of a proper academic analysis might be attempted. But by then there'll be a whole new cluster of ideas fascinating me.
So, misandry. Basically in the abstract I view all men as violent, ignorant, misogynist potential rapists. In actual fact, although that distrust lingers, I'm happy to judge men on what I see of them or get told about them by people I trust. Some of my best friends are men. But the distrust remains. Some of it's directed at men who are manifestly violent, ignorant, misogynists, rapists, sleazy etc. But there's plenty of distaste to go round, and that is inwardly focussed.
I'd like to say that on the whole I try to be a decent guy, and I hope people think I'm a good person, but I know I have faults. I used to be short tempered, and I still get annoyed to the point of wanting to hurt people occasionally, though I haven't had a fight in a long time. Like anyone I can be ignorant, especially as manifest by not listening to people, or by ignoring what's been said to me. Some of this is due to simply not understanding, and either asking no questions at all, not asking the right questions to clarify, or simply not listening when the answer comes.
misogyny
Rape and being sleazy I'm going to bracket together. There is a risk that dealing with extremes of unwanted behaviour either demeans the seriousness of one, or exaggerates the harm of the other, but I want to deal with them as a continuum. I am constantly aware, and have only recently admitted, that I will frequently enter into social encounters with women and start by making a sexual appraisal of the women or woman present. It's vaguely along the lines of - is she attractive? Is she intelligent? Do I stand a chance of having an intimate relationship with this woman? And does she think I'm sleazy? The answer to the last is quite probably 'yes' in most cases. Especially since instead of allowing this set of thoughts to run through me unanswered, or answered superficially and then forgotten about, I agonise about the questions internally. That means heightening my awareness of the woman as a sexual being, and in consciously trying to ignore this, spending undue amounts of time staring at parts of her body. Another implication of this is that when it comes to relationships I will wait for the woman to make the first move. But I'm aware that the male gaze, the male appraisal of women, the treatment of women as sexual property before looking at them as independent human beings has been a means of subjection and control. And for someone who believes sex to be potentially an antagonistic act, and who's aware of how people can be coerced into actions they oppose, that's awfully close to rape. It also means that I'm primarily listening to myself, rather than fully communicating with the person I'm with. All of which indicates if not misogyny, then at least blocks to communication based on gender.
recent changes
Whether it's a short-term reaction to the CBT I've been undergoing, a response to having taken more ecstasy/MDMA this year than in the previous three years, the result of marinading myself in music that acts on my brain like a narcotic, ageing, or some other cause I have found that I'm beginning to act differently in social situations. Essentially it's getting easier to switch off the noise and concentrate less on myself.
Some of this is setting, it's easier to relax, concentrate, and listen to other people when you're in their flat than when you're in a pub or club. Some of it is that when I do meet people I'm increasingly being introduced to really intelligent people. Therefore in order to keep up I actually have to listen, rather than going off in my own head. Another aspect seems to be not caring so much about how I come across. I still feel competitive, I still want to impress with how smart and sensitive I am, but at the same time I'm aware that just as I have strengths other people don't, they have strengths that I don't. Part of that is noticing that I'm pretty weak on reasoning and logic, but strong on sudden intuitive leaps and articulating myself. Generally.
Of all the potential causes of these changes, ecstasy/MDMA has the most noticeable effect. I stop caring about mental and physical distractions totally and quickly, the noise in my head stops. It's best described as white noise, it's kind of a penumbra of thoughts, pre-verbalising of ideas, pictures and sounds in my head, things in my vision and on the periphery, physical self-awareness and more. Now, while all that stimulus is still there on ecstasy, my head goes quiet. All that's important are the people that I'm with. Instead of trying to please them by planning carefully what I want to say, by thinking about what might make them happy and thereby losing touch with where the conversation actually is, I try to please them by participating. Whereas sober or drunk I might never fully join in the group, with ecstasy/MDMA I can bring myself into the circle fairly quickly once I come up. And participating doesn't have to mean saying anything, it can mean listening actively and attentively. It's no longer about me, it's about 'us', and whatever the subject in hand is. If I have something to say then I'll say it, but it's not a contest.
The most disappointing aspect of coming down is the return of self-awareness. I've talked about this before, the beauty of being in a fugue state or something close. When self-awareness stops intruding if not vanishes altogether, leaving you almost at one with your environment. I'm not talking about a shared consciousness, or some mystical connection with things that you otherwise wouldn't know. Rather I mean an awareness that far from being the only reality in the room, or the centre of experience, you're in fact just one node of consciousness and of experience in a wider network. You still don't have access to others except through what they can tell you, but you're a lot less alone than you were before. Previously I'd only really experienced it through walking or writing, on ecstasy/MDMA, and occasionally through music and sex.
But in recent months talking to people I know, or who friends have introduced me to has begun to have the same effect. Music increasingly helps, currently I'm pretty close to tripping, and the words are coming fluidly without having to be planned, and a strong component of that is the music that I'm listening to. Khanate, OM, Noxagt, KTL, Skullflower, Earth etc. The rest is simply the effect that I can get from writing, letting something deeper than thought do the talking. Another great aspect of ecstasy/MDMA is being able to go with my first thought, in fact only being able to go with my first thought, instead of carefully carving something to drop in front of the wondering eyes of everyone in the room, which is my usual strategy.
CBT was mentioned, and it does seem to have helped this time, albeit not in the way that I expected it to, far less interventionist. Rather than offering strategies or a map, it's helped me see what doesn't work, understand where behaviours can be let go. You know, it's taken a couple of years - I may get there after everyone else, but I do get there in the end.
The big unknown here is how far ageing has helped or instigated some of these changes. Most of the changes predate the most recent trip to Cardiff, and it was only while on ecstasy one evening that I began to think that I'm not all that bothered about the process of getting older anymore. I don't like it, I'd prefer that it didn't happen, but it feels less alien now, less like something I have to fight.
This is for everyone that I talked to while I was in Cardiff this month. I had a great time and you all helped me a lot, I only hope I was able to offer reasonable company in return. Take care, and I hope I'll see you all later in the year - maybe around November if all goes well.
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