i don't feel too good...

There was going to be an explanation here of why the last couple of weeks, the last 18 months even, have been so shit. But it's been covered before in posts and in some of the poems. Call it loneliness, boredom stress, social anxiety, whatever you fucking feel like in fact. If I didn't have an outlet I wouldn't be here. Maybe without all the shit I wouldn't have finished a short story I'm really proud of - I'll let you know if it ever gets published. But I'd give it all up, everything I've ever written, and never write again, to be normal. To cope socially, to have a partner. Well there you go, I just covered it again.

Fuck, some days you just want to step in traffic, you go home and keep yourself busy and suddenly you're crying for no reason. You get up and it's no better, and you hardly see your friends (friend singular here in Manchester), and it starts over again. Life's shit. Have a good new year.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Matt,

I know it's no consolation but Christmas is a bad time for millions, a time to step into the traffic. I can't offer you a solution. A solution will come to you when you least expect one. The harder you pray for something better, the more elusive happiness becomes. Just go with the flow.

Stay healthy. Peace.

Celeste, UK
Matt Dalby said…
Celeste, thanks for your kind comments. But at the risk of causing offence I'd just like to point out two things. As a long-term atheist I never pray, and actually I felt like stepping in traffic long before christmas.

Anyhoo, I'm still trying to secure help through mental-health services. There may be updates if I remember.

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